Let Me In
by chocolatequeen
Summary: Sorting out the ending to TILAM--HM conclusion
1. Default Chapter

Title: Let Me In  
  
Author: Chocolatequeen  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own JAG, and the song "Let Me In" is from the movie Rigoletto.  
  
Genre: Angst with resolution  
  
Spoilers: TILAM  
  
Rating: PG at the most  
  
A/N: This isn't a song fic in the truest sense of the term, where the characters listen to the song etc, but it is loosely focused on a song. :)  
  
BPart 1: Mac's POV/B  
  
II love the part in fairy tales  
  
that's very near the end,  
  
when all the kingdom cheers for their new queen.  
  
And all is well and all is good,  
  
and everyone belongs.  
  
And happily they're ever-aftering.  
  
But when I enter the kingdom of dreams  
  
and face the promise of all I can be,  
  
Will they see me as a heroine?  
  
Tell me will they let me in?/I  
  
Alone. That's been the key word in my life as long as I can remember. As soon as learned I couldn't trust my own father, I built walls… walls designed to keep my safe, to prevent others from hurting me. I'm just now realizing they've kept others from loving me too.  
  
That's been the theme this week I guess. From attacking Harm to attempting to seduce Clay, everything has been about not being alone, but being alone, and making sure it was everyone else's fault that I was alone.  
  
For eight months, I've wanted… no, I've needed someone to lean on, someone I could trust enough to fall apart in front of. When it looked like there wasn't anyone, I got angry at them all, deciding they must not care enough. It was only when I was talking to the corporal that I realized I'd never asked them to be there… I just assumed they would know.  
  
I'm so afraid of being left! If you don't ask someone to come, it doesn't hurt as much when they don't… because they don't know that's what you wanted. At least, that's what I've been telling myself. I know now that it's not the truth. I'm just as alone now as I would be if everyone really did abandon me, and I have no one to blame for it but myself.  
  
I'm beginning to wonder if it would be that bad… that bad to be asked to be let in, to let someone else in. It would be so easy to just let down my guard and go ask, but what if he turned me away? There's no doubt in my mind who I want, but after the last eight months, I'm not sure he still feels the same.  
  
But as I stand here in front of my window, staring out at the rain, something clicks inside me. We almost made it once before, and I ended up outside in the rain, staring back up at the warmth of his apartment. That was just a cruel trick of fate though; if I don't take this chance, but choose to stand here still trapped by the cold, I will never know if he would have let me in. 


	2. 2

Disclaimer in part 1.  
  
BPart 2: Harm's POVIAnd if a heart's breaking a part of me's aching to show them how much that I care. But if no one lets me or turns and forgets me Then how, how can I share?/I  
  
The kitchen lights are on, but I'm sitting on the couch, facing the opposite wall. The backlighting suits my mood perfectly. I'm not sad or upset, but thought ful. What's happened this week has challenged so much of what I've taken as truth for the past eight months.  
  
She's been hurting for months, I can see that now. For a while, all i knew was how much I was hurting--how much hearing her say we'd never work killed me. It gave me a kind of tunnel vision, and decided she couldn't be as lost as I was because she'd been the one to make the pronouncement.  
  
I didn't realize how wrong I was until she started ranting about how I abandon everyone. She might have meant "Never" when she said it, but the distance she's placed between us since then has been a test--some sort of bizarre way to see if I cared enough to push past her walls.  
  
I have to shake my head at that. "How can you expect me to know what you need when you don't tell me, Mac?" I ask, but the empty room holds no answers.  
  
Now though I know what she expects. We explained to eatch other in court, and we understand the miscommunications we've had. All that's left is to bridge the gulf that's widened between us, and that can only be done one way.  
  
Grabbing my coat I head for the door, determined to fix this tonight. Then a thought occurs to me and myt hand stills on the knob. What if she doesn't need me anymore? She's got Webb now, maybe he's giving her the comfort she longs for.  
  
A sudden image of him holding her, whispering words of comfort in her ear slices through me. I flinch, turning away from the door. The wounds on my heart have just healed, if she rejected me outright again I wouldn't recover.  
  
My mother stops me though. Just as I 'm taking my coat off, I remember the way she once defined love. "Loving a person is hating what hurts them Harmon," she'd said. "It's doing everything in your power to protect them from pain."  
  
I know what I have to do. I may not come out of this with a whole heart, but if I can help her stop hurting, I will. 


	3. 3

Disclaimer in part 1  
  
BPart 3—3rd person/B  
  
II love the part in fairy tales  
  
that's very near the end,  
  
the princess and the prince proclaim their love.  
  
And hearts are healed and souls are changed,  
  
and two blend in to one.  
  
All orchestrated by the stars above./I  
  
For the second time in her life, Sarah Mackenzie stood in the rain, staring up at her best friend's window. Then as now, her heart was bruised and bleeding, and the warm light within beckoned to her. This time though there was nothing keeping her on the outside, as long as Harm would let her in.  
  
On the elevator ride up, she clenched her h ands together nervously, wondering what his reaction would be. They had cleared the air somewhat in court today, but could he really forgive her for shutting him out. "There's only one way to find out Mac," she told herself.  
  
A few short steps and she was at his door, knocking. It opened before she could move her hand, throwing her off balance. "Hi Harm," she said quietly as she strove to maintain her composure.  
  
"Mac!" he exclaimed, staring at her with wide eyes.  
  
"Can I come in?" she asked a moment later.  
  
"What? Oh! Yeah, I'm sorry… I just wasn't expecting you," he said as he moved toward the kitchen. Since his back was turned, he missed the flash of pain those words caused. There was a time when neither of them would have been surprised to see the other.   
  
"Hey, I've got some hot coffee, would you like some? You look cold," he said as he pulled two mugs out of the cupboard.  
  
"That would be nice," she agreed as she hung her coat up and sat down on the couch.  
  
A minute later, Harm was handing her a steaming cup, turning the light on and grabbing his own before joining her. "What can I do for you?" he asked gently.  
  
"I need… I just…" She took a sip of the coffee, taking a moment to collect her thoughts. With her eyes glued firmly to the cup in hand, she finally blurted out, "Clay told me he loves me."  
  
When she realized what she'd said, her eyes widened in shock and she clapped a hand over her mouth. Shooting her gaze up to Harm, she saw exactly what she'd feared. His welcoming blue eyes were now grey, and she could see the barriers going up. "Harm, I don't…" I didn't plan to start with that," she told him. "In fact, I wasn't planning to tell you at all," she added reflexively.  
  
Any traces of softness disappeared when he heard that. "Why not? That's what you came to say, wasn't it? You're finally moving forward with Webb," he bit out, the name sounding like a curse.  
  
"You don't have a clue what you're talking about!" she retorted in exasperation.  
  
"Well then please, enlighten me," he sneered, while inside his heart was shriveling up. He was appalled at his behaviour, but he just couldn't seem to stop reacting.  
  
"Oh, now this is rich," Mac muttered as she stood up and walked away. "Mr. "You shut people out" won't even listen to what I want to say. So much for letting people in," she said sarcastically as she stared out the window.  
  
The room was silent, but she could sense him move from the couch and come toward her even before she saw his refection in the glass. When his hand reached out to touch her shoulder, she shied away. "I'm sorry," he said, bring his hand back down to his side.  
  
"You should be."   
  
Her low whisper carried so much pain and suddenly he hated himself for putting it there. "Come talk to me Mac," he requested quietly, determined to fix what he'd done.  
  
When she didn't respond, he hesitantly reached out for her again. This time she didn't back away, and he repeated his plea. "Talk to me… please?"  
  
He winced when she finally turned, seeing what hadn't been visible in her reflection—two tear tracks tracing down her face. "I'm sorry," he said again as he wiped them away.  
  
"I forgive you Harm," she finally said with a sigh. "Can we sit back down now?"  
  
But when he sat down, she remained standing, her back turned toward him. He realized that it made her feel more in control of the situation, so he patiently waited for her to start.  
  
"Do you know what I asked my client earlier?" she finally said. "I asked him if he had nicely asked any of his team to vouch for him, or if he'd just expected they would. I realized this week that I've done the same thing… shutting you out and expecting that you would know I needed you to let me in." None of this was news to Harm, but he held his tongue, letting her continue.  
  
"Harm," she said, turning back to face him. "I need…" She hesitated, and the uncertainty in her voice tore at his heart. "I need you to let me in," she stated.  
  
He stared at her for a moment, taking in the beseeching look on her face and the hand she'd unconsciously extended to him. Slowly, he shook his head saying, "I can't Mac… unless," he continued, stopping her from leaving, "not unless you let me in too."  
  
"Oh," she said, not sure what she wanted to do.  
  
"Yeah, oh," he echoed, standing in front of her. "This has to be a two-way street Mac, or it'll never work."  
  
He watched the fear and hope conflicting on her face, unsure which would win. When she carefully schooled her features, his heart sank. She wasn't going to do it.   
  
"Do you want to know why Clay told me he loves me?" she asked blandly.  
  
"I would assume because he does," he said lightly, trying to hide how much this hurt.  
  
"Well I guess," she said with a frown. "But I'd just told him that I killed Sadik for hurting someone I love." She paused for a moment, her eyes meeting his. "He thought I meant him."  
  
She watched as that sank in. "You didn't?" he asked. She shook her head and he said, "Well then, I guess there must be someone else you love," his neutral tone not giving away the way his heart raced.  
  
When she nodded, he smiled tenderly and reached out to touch her face. "And what would you do if he told you that he loves you too?"  
  
For a moment, she simply closed her eyes and leaned into his caress. Then she straightened and said seriously, "I would warn him that I've just been through hell and I'm not in a place to start a relationship right now."  
  
"Consider him warned," he said, gathering her into his arms in an embrace meant to wipe away all the pain she felt.  
  
"I'm going to keep going to counseling," she told him after a moment. "Maybe soon…"  
  
"Take all the time you need Sarah," he said. "I'll be here to help you heal."  
  
II could heal that emptiness within,  
  
if that heart would let me in./I 


End file.
